Daily Archive for December 10th, 2008

WAR E-GILL !!!

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We’ve got to get rid of this Super Bowl system

I’m so sick and tired of this greedy, money-hungry, illogical system in the NFL where teams “qualify” for the playoffs, and then actually “play” each other on a “field” in order to “determine” who is the “best.”

The whole “Playoffs” and “Super Bowl” system is just some some stupid, completely fair way for teams to prove their worth by playing their opponents, and advancing if they were good enough to beat them.

Oh, and you can bet that the powers-that-be don’t mind that it’s also hugely lucrative and provides an opportunity to make awesome Don Cheadle commercials.

I hate it. It’s just so stupid and fair. I want a system that relies on individual opinions and computer rankings that are extensions of varying human opinions on what numbers are the most valid for measuring the quality of a team. I want Bowls. I want them named after various foodstuffs. And if there’s not a Poulan Weedeater involved, then to hell with everything.

I want the Giants to be given one of the spots in the StarCaps® Super Bowl, even though the Eagles will complain, since they just beat them. But the upside to that? Andy Reid will be on TV complaining for three weeks, and Rush Limbaugh will tell Donovan McNabb that he doesn’t automatically get a spot in the Super Bowl because he’s black. And then Lou Holtz can offer them psychiatric advice.

Who would play the Giants in the StarCaps® Super Bowl for the Kotex® Lombardi Trophy? The Titans, maybe? No, because head-to-read results matter, and the Titans had a late season loss to the Jets. But the Jets lost yesterday to the 49ers, so they’re out, too. Controversy! We better ask a bunch of people who may or may not watch these football games to decide.

Pittsburgh, maybe? No, not enough style points in the win over Dallas. I say Baltimore. They’re #2 in the computer rankings, anyway.

And yeah, there’ll be some complaining from the Titans, Jets, and Steelers, but remember, that’s what makes this awesome. It gets people to argue. And if people are arguing, that means they care, and that’s good for business.

And besides, there are consolation prizes. No one’s going home empty-handed here. The Wrangler® Prunes Bowl has selected Brett Favre and the Jets to play in their bowl game against the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Cowboys and the Titans will have a showdown in the prestigious Vaseline® Petroleum Jelly Bowl, and that’ll be a nice bit of nostalgia, because the Titans used to own that game back when they were called the Oilers.

The Nutrisystem® Low-Carb Meatloaf Bowl hosted by the Golic Brothers (hello, radio synergy) will be extending bids to both the Pittsburgh Steelers and Carolina Panthers. Rounding out the major bowls, the Broncos and Buccaneers will be playing in the Extenze Cucumber Bowl.

That’s it for the major bowls and the big money I’m sorry, Arizona, you don’t get a chance to play in a big game, because you’re not in the right division, and you’re not expected to travel well. You’ll be playing on New Year’s Eve in the Saved by Zero Kumquat Bowl. But I hear that everyone in that game gets a basket with an iPod and a subscription to ESPN Magazine.

This just seems like a way better system to me. This way, we don’t have to worry about a month full of great, high-stakes football games on the weekends. We can watch the majority of these on Tuesday or Thursday nights on TBS or Versus. And if a team wins, they don’t have to make themselves tired by playing more football games, they can just sit back and enjoy the Garrity Motors Bloody Raw Steak Bowl Trophy.