Tennessee cancels Auburn Tigerwalk; Fears justified

September 30, 2008
Knoxville, TN – Auburntron.com
Nate

Waking up early Sunday morning, after sneaking by the powerhouse Ohio the night before, Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin had a plan. As the team turned it’s attention to the team from the plains, it wasn’t the game he was concerned about.

“We gotta do something about that damn tigerwalk”, a shirtless Kiffin proclaimed in a closed door meeting to reporters. “If we dont stop them at the gate we’ll never stop em, eww yeah pass the wax….mmm thanks Coach Org-e”.

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Tennessee (2-2), has looked good stopping the run this year, allowing an average of 87 yards per game. This weekend coaches hope to see more of the same, by stopping the walk?

“There will be no tigerwalk for Auburn. They ain’t coming through my gates. If they think they coming through my gates they got something coming to em. We don’t play football here at Tennessee. We pay homosexual coaches millions of dollars while we bet each other how many times ESPN can show my face in a single sportscenter. 14 times bitch, F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N!”

Numerous recruits on the Tennessee campus this weekend are looking forward to the showdown that will air in primetime on ESPN Saturday night. As the coaches are prepare for battle, kiffin says the new strategy is something no other college football teams have thought of.

“Well, the way I see it, if they can’t come into the stadium, we can’t lose!” Kiffin said as he chest bumped a now naked Ed Orgeron. “It will be publicity genius, we will tell them they can’t do it cause of security reasons and Osama and all that shit. Damn I’m sexy.”

When asked what happens if Chizik and company actually make it through the gates, an evil smile came over the head coach.

“Florida cheated.”

“Coach we’re talking about Auburn here.” A reporter declared.

“Oh…we are going to rely on my dad’s defense. Have you not seen this guy? He’s like 80 years old. He knows everything. Love ya pops. Yeah were just gonna punt the ball every down and let ole Monte’s D carry the load. Can’t let that little bitch Crompton touch the ball, his mustache has a mind of it’s own. I think it tells him to throw interceptions every down.”

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“It’s an outrage”, Tennessee interim President Jan Simek told reporters. “We can’t allow Auburn to have a tigerwalk. Everyone knows that they started the tigerwalk and if the recruits find out we copied the Vol walk after them, who would want to play for us? Pass me my shirt.”

While Auburn hopes to make five straight consecutive wins against Tennessee, it appears the gameplan in Knoxville is in place. No tigerwalk, no tigers.

“They will never know what hit em. Or didn’t….. Mawhhhh ha ha ha ha ha. Now give me that man butter coach.”