Author Archive for Mikeyh1000

All we have to do is beat the dog’s and we get another chance at the Updyke’s…

http://www.secdigitalnetwork.com/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=cPSLldREXeA=&tabid=712&mid=4578

It is the SEC Championship game.  There are a few certainties.

1.  Most of the country will tune in at 4:00 to watch the game.

2.  South Carolina and Auburn will play a heck of a game.

3.  People will probably start drinking around 12:00. 

Come on.  You know it is true.  Around 4:00, people will be bored…or blitzed.  Either way, you may need some assistance in concentrating on the game and continuing to party. 

You know the standard drinking game rules.  You drink when something happens  (you can sip or chug…depends on your tolerance, and your company…I wouldn’t recommend chugging at an Applebees.  Too many “children”). 

Some of these involve drinking to celebrate big plays by your team.  Others are to make fun of the opposition.  It is all in good fun.  The yelling is completely optional.

Enjoy.  However, please be safe, smart, and don’t drink and drive. 

(Bonus points if you play for both sides).

 If You are Rooting for Auburn

// 1.  Every time Cam Newton runs for a first down, yell “big wheels” and take a drink.

2.  Every time Cam Newton Passes for a gain of over 15 yards, yell “What pass defense?” and take a drink.

3.  When Michael Dyer takes a carry and gains over five yards, yell “LattiWho?” and take a drink.

4.  If Auburn’s defense gives Carolina’s offense a three and out, yell “all day” and take a drink.

5.  Every time Auburn scores a touchdown, take a drink.  If they earn a field goal, DON’T drink until the next “drink cue” comes up. 

6.  If Stephen Garcia throws an interception, yell “professors, hide your cars!” and take a drink.  (If you don’t get it, look it up). 

7.  If Alshon Jeffery drops a pass, say “Pumping that gas” and take a drink.

8.  If someone other than Stephen Garcia, Marcus Lattimore or Alshon Jeffery score a touchdown, yell “Who?” and take a drink. 

9.  Every time they mention Cam Newton’s alleged scandal, you can choose one of two sayings…yell “bull sh*t.”  Bull crap can be substituted in for more family-friendly affair. Then of course, take a drink.

Matt Cardy/Getty Images

10.  Every time Auburn creates a turnover, yell “War Eagle” and take a drink.

 If You are Rooting for South Carolina

1.  Every time Marcus Lattimore runs for a first down, yell “Tupac lives” and take a drink (seriously, look at a picture of Lattimore and then a picture of Tupac).

2.  Every time Stephen Garcia and Alshon Jeffery connect, yell “Your cornerbacks are short” and take a drink.

3.  When Tori Gurley catches a pass for a first down, yell “Good hands with AllState” and take a drink.

4.  If Ace Sanders makes a catch for a gain of over 15 yards, yell “Micro Machine” and take a drink.

5.  Every time South Carolina stops Cam Newton for a loss, yell “Worth every penny.”

6.  If Cam Newton throws an interception, yell “War Damn Hamster” and take a drink.

7.  If they mention the Florida Gators and Steve Spurrier, yell “Legen-dary” and take a drink.

8.  Every time Cam Newton scores, yell “One-man program” and take a drink. 

9.  Every time they mention Cam Newton’s alleged scandal, yell “Scramblin Scam Newton” and take a drink.

10.  Every time South Carolina scores, yell “Go, fight, win, kick ass” and take a drink.

Feel free to add, or subtract as you see fit.  The real point is that this football should be fun for everyone, especially fans of Auburn and South Carolina, and should not always be taken so seriously.

Have a sense of humor, enjoy the game (drinking game or not) and be safe!

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/531483-sec-championship-2010-the-south-carolina-versus-auburn-drinking-game

I’m coming in a little late.  I was tailgating my local Wal-Mart hoping to see a Black Friday stampede in person.  No deaths this year, so this game will have to be a classic to save this day from being a complete waste.

Ingram already has a TD.  If he doesn’t vote for himself with his Heisman vote he’s not a true champion.

Greg McElroy to Julio Jones for a 68 yard TD.  Tide up 14 early.  CBS announcers Gary Danielson and Verne Lundquist use this as a great opportunity to tell you that McElroy will never play in the NFL.  I mean the guy doesn’t have a huge arm, but they’re acting like he has CP.

Alabama 14 Auburn 0 8:39 1st

Cam Newton looks like he’s a nervous guy trying to play it cool, like a drug-mule going through customs.  The comparison works even better when you remember both drug-mules and Cam Newton have $80,000 cash hidden in their apartment.

Nick Fairley gets a 15 yard personal foul for chest splashing.  2 plays later Bama scores.  The ghost of Bear Bryant continues to live in the hearts and calls of every SEC ref.

Alabama 21 Auburn 0 1:58 1st

Alabama has a long and a short field goal kicker.  The short field goal guy must have a serious inferiority complex.  If he doesn’t he should.  What’s wrong, you don’t have enough leg, Nancy?  Alabama makes short FG.

Alabama 24 Auburn 0 8:39 2^nd

After Mark Ingram’s 35 yard fumble, FBI officials begin to wonder if they are investigating the right guy.  He’s clearly throwing the game.

5:00 2^nd

Greg McElroy continues to dominate the game and the only compliment Verne and Danielson can think to say is, “Well, he almost was a Rhodes Scholar.  He won’t be your QB, but he may be your boss.”

Danielson: “Another 3^rd down conversion by McElroy… maybe he’d be a good politician?  Not the president, but maybe a state senator or something.”

Lundquist: “McElroy is 19 for 23 in the 1^st half.  If he keeps this up and devotes himself to his craft, he could be a master plumber in 15 years.”

Cam Newton does the QB Play Action play for a long TD.  He’s just like Tebow.  The only difference is Tebow cuts foreskins off under-privileged Pilipino kids and Newton cuts under the table deals with agents.

Alabama 24 – Auburn 7 5:08 2nd

CBS comes back from commercial with the McElroy family dancing to Alabama fight song, only making America hate them more.  If you haven’t heard, McElroy’s dad is a “Senior Executive with the Cowboys”.  Good for him, but his daughter looks like a sluttier version of Kim Kardashian.  Blair McElroy’s brother follows up the dancing with a fumble after being digested by Nick Fairley.

After the fumble Lundquist says, “Maybe he could coach JV Football at a private school or something?”

Auburn WR Terrell Zachery makes an amazing catch on the sideline that the Ref rules incomplete.  CBS shows it to be a catch, and Chizik is begging for a replay.  The line judge gives Chizik the bird.  In the 2^nd half the Refs will come out in hounds-tooth hats.

3^rd qtr begins

Cam Newton to Terrell Zachery for a 70 yard TD.  Alabama Safety Mark Barron blows what should have been a INT.  It’s clear that Auburn has kidnapped Barron and replaced him with one of their starting Safety’s.  It’s the same plot from the Saved By the Bell episode where Zack kidnaps and disguises himself as the Russian chess champion from Valley before the big match vs Screech.   It’s almost too easy.

Alabama 24 Auburn 14 14:04 3rd

Alabama’s RB’s be trippin.  Seriously, Ingram and Richardson are falling on every touch.  Despite that Bama is out-rushing Auburn 52 to -11.

10:48 3^rd

Alabama punts after McElroy throws a near pick on 3^rd Down.  Danielson says he’d make one hell of a Honda salesman.

Alabama 24 – Auburn 14 – 7:39 3^rd.

Alabama looks sloppy.  Alabama had 10 guys on the field and Saban just ripped out Kirby Smart’s trachea.

TD Cam Newton!  21 unanswered.  3 point game.

Alabama 24 Auburn 21 4:25 3^rd

Nick Saban is unraveling on the sideline.  He just ripped Alabama Secondary coach Jeremy Pruitt’s heart out of his chest with one hand.  I haven’t seen that move since Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom.

Alabama 24 Auburn 21 3:22 3^rd

3 and out for the Tide.  Just when it looks like Auburn has taken over the game, Auburn punt returner Quindarius Carr decide not to fair catch with 3 tide defenders inside his jock, fumbles, and gives the ball back to the tide.  Quindarius Carr, the only guy who can stop Cam Newton.

After taking a sack on 3^rd down Danielson said he sees McElroy mowing the football field at his old high school a la Forest Gump.  Bama had the ball inside the 10, but Auburn keeps the tide out of the end zone.  Bring in the short field goal guy!  Shelley’s 32 yard FG is good, Bama up 6.

Alabama 27 Auburn 21 1:05 3rd

Early in the 4^th Qtr, Auburn goes for it on 4^th and 3 at their own 47.  They convert on a very ballsy pass to the sideline.  We got a ball game!

TD Auburn!  Cam Newton completes a 7 yard TD to some white guy!  Philip something with an L.  It looks German.  Out of respect to my grandfather, I won’t look it up.

Auburn 28 Alabama 27 11:55 4^th

10:36 4^t

McElroy makes a beautiful shuffle pass for a 9 yard gain.  Danielson upgrades him up to 10^th grade history teacher at said High School.

8:00 4^th

Julio Jones is banged up.  Alabama finally gets the ball back in Ingram’s hands.  He has won a Heisman.  He’s also the only guy to fumble the ball 30 yards forward.  So who knows what you’re going to get?

5:20 4^th

3 and 12, McElroy gets crushed.  He appears to be dead.  Lundquist said this could really hurt his future as a toll booth attendant.

Danielson keeps saying it’s a shoulder injury.  I’m not a Doctor, but do your eyes usually roll into the back of your head with a shoulder injury?

As McElroy stumbles back to the sideline, Saban whispers in his ear, “Psst, hey, Greg.  What are you doing? You’re making me look like a dick.  I’m going to take the Cowboys job and the first thing I do is fire your dad.  Senior Cowboys Executive, huh?  We’ll see about that.  By the way, your sister is a sluttier version of Kim Kardashian.”

5:18 4^th

13 yard punt.  Apparently, Bama has a long and a short Punter as well.  Saban just poked the punters eyes out with his thumbs.

2:50 4^th

4^th and 6 inches.  Inside their own 40, Auburn takes a risky chance and goes for it on 4^th and short.  No worries, I forgot Cam Newton’s mother was a fighter jet.   Newton flies for 8 ft.   1^st Down!  In a related story, the FAA is now investigating Cam Newton.

:51 4h

Auburn Punts.  Alabama gets the ball at their own 20.  They will need to go at least 40 yards for the long FG guy to have a chance.  They will need to go at least 65 yards for the short FG guy to have a chance.

The backup QB is in.  His career aspirations are unknown.  Where did Saban get a crossbow?   That’s bad news.

:39 4^th

Auburn drops easy INT that could have sealed the game.  You can’t give this nameless backup QB and these SEC Refs a second chance because they will burn you.

:30 4^th

Alabama can’t convert 4^th down.  Game Over.

Auburn’s dream continues.  Cam Newton’s dream continues.  Look for Greg McElroy at your local 7-11.

Final Score Auburn 28 Alabama 27 – Suck it Boise!

http://www.saturdaydownsouth.com/2010/uncensored-live-blog-iron-bowl/

God I love Auburn!